Hi there, thank you for coming along this morning, if you’d like to come in and take a seat we can start your Performance Review.
So, Mummy, may I call you Mummy? Good, I see here that you have held this position for a little over 5 years now, with a significant increase in responsibilities towards the end of 2011, is that correct? To begin with then can you please tell me, what do you consider to be your main duties and responsibilities?
A very good question, my general duties include school runs, potty training, building block and LEGO construction, bruise kissing, nursery rhyme singing, taxi driving, bottom and nose wiping.
I have to say that I think the list of responsibilities has expanded far beyond what was laid out in my original contract. I am fairly sure I didn’t agree to being the ‘remover of frogs from the garden’, to always having an audience when I used the toilet, to clearing bogies out of people’s noses with my finger or having to sit through so many viewings of the Toy Story trilogy I can now quote it accurately and extensively. I’m also sure I deal with more bodily fluids than originally agreed!
OK, I’ll just make a note of that… now what would you say have been your key accomplishments in the past 12 months?
Well, I applied for this job with some big ideas and I think it’s fair to say that some of those may have been unreasonable with hindsight. With that in mind though, I like to think that I have worked hard and produced some positive and tangible results, I’d like to cite Annie’s advanced reading level and the fact Ezra has only been admitted to casualty once despite his ‘outgoing’ nature. Also he no longer removes all his clothes below the waist at every potty visit and can now pull up his own trousers which I am viewing as a major accomplishment!
It is to be noted though that in the past 12 months you have turned up to school on a day that Annie was in an afterschool club, you gave a hair cut so terrible to Ezra that he needed his whole head shaved the morning of a large family party.
You also promised an Easter full of egg hunts and chocolate and then failed to produce the hunt and a large quantity of the chocolate disappeared. You routinely lie to the children on long car journeys about the distance left to travel and often claim, falsely, that the rides outside supermarkets are out of order.
There were a number of occasions you fell asleep on the sofa during film time, burnt meals and evenings you put the children to bed far earlier than normal and then lied to them about the time. How do you respond to these statements?
Well yes, these are all true but in my defense, it rained at Easter, I never said I was good at cutting hair and after the school incident I instigated a rigorous calendar system. I have no excuse for the rest other than child related exhaustion.
Thank you for your honesty, what so you see as your top 3 priorities in the over the next 6 months?
I have set myself a number of targets I’d like to achieve, number one being, getting Annie to understand that it’s only funny to fart on her Dad in the house when we’re alone, not on friend’s parents on the walk home from school.
Secondly I’d really like to see Ezra try fruit other than banana, literally, any other piece of fruit, and not spit it out.
Finally I think we could try to push morning wake up past the 6.00AM mark, maybe even have them still asleep at 6.30AM a couple of times a week. While I understand that this one is unlikely to happen I shall give it my best shot and try a range of techniques to achieve this end.
What elements of your current role interest you most and least?
I really enjoy the team work, my junior team members are easy to get along with and I love my job. I think the night time kisses, random declarations of love, hugs, funny conversations, mispronounced words and walks to school are some of my favourite times. Seeing my junior team members excel at something they originally had trouble with is very fulfilling, as is watching them trying something new, and embracing it, for the first time.
As for the aspects that interest me least, I’d have to say the vomit is an area I have great trouble with. Honestly, I could do without the skidmarks in tiny undies, the public temper tantrums and the extensive night time stalling techniques, but in perspective, these are very minor ‘road bumps’.
We’ll take these points on board Mummy. Now, there has been feedback, both positive and negative from your younger team members. It seems that you can be funny, and your random pancake dinners have been very well received, however there have been a number complaints about the out of tune singing, the high volume of vegetables served at meal times, the strict screen time limits and your refusal to accept that sweets are in fact a healthy breakfast option. Do you have anything to say on these accounts?
Umm, no, that all seems fair and correct.
Ok Mummy, well thank you for your time, I appreciate you finding a spot in your busy day to attend this review. I think while we both agree there are areas that need work, you are doing a good job so lets carry on as is and reconvene in another 5 years?
How would your parenting performance review go?