I have been cheating at life lately and it’s really starting to show. I am on a course of CBT but haven’t really been working as hard as I should. My bad back has been a ‘perfect excuse’ to take things easy and stop pushing myself to get better but really it’s just another excuse.
My CBT homework is to put myself in situations that make me uncomfortable and do this as often as possible until I stop feeling unhappy there. The place I’m working on right now is the park. I feel like such a rubbish mother, my anxiety and paranoia makes taking the kids to the park on my own, or even with Jon, very difficult. I see threats everywhere and find it hard to deal with busy play areas.
Knowing why I am this way doesn’t make it any better, but it helps highlight how much I need to get past this for the sake of the kiddos. I know I need to be going to the park but getting myself out the door has been almost impossible recently. There’s been my bad back, terrible weather, the races making everywhere busier (and therefore more scary for me) and a hundred other excuses to avoid the thing I don’t like.
Avoiding the park and not facing up to my issues feels good for about 5 minutes, the relief of having avoided a scary situation is immense, but as soon as that fades then all that is left is guilt and worry about the next time.
This past couple of weeks Annie has had some problems going into nursery, she has been clingier at drop off and has told me she’s worried she has no friends. It’s horrible to hear her saying this because it’s exactly how I felt as a child and I know how awful it is. I think she has been picking up on the fact that I’ve been a bit down recently and that we’ve not been going out as much or having play dates.
After nursery I am going to take the kids to the park for a wee while and make a fresh start on my CBT homework, not just for me, but for kids too.